March 2005 Archives

After lifting the guilt and talking about Jules with Janet, I've been able to fill in the blanks of the last 18 months. The bits I've blocked out because they were too painful, or, because if you don't look, you can't see it happening, and so it's not happening. I've had my head in the sand for a while now. And who would blame me? It's a warm and quiet place. Ask an ostrich.

This story was one of the most powerful. It's moved me and made me realise just how lucky I am, and how amazing and wonderful really being with someone and being present for them can be.

On the night of October 2 2003 the consultants told us that Jules tumour had grown again, and that this time there was nothing they could do. My world collapsed, and the next 48 hours were a complete blank. I hid it away, never to look into what happened again. Until I spoke with Janet last Wednesday about it.

On that night, after we had the bad news we went back into the ward to face Jules. I tried not to cry, in case she got worried. After all, I'd promised her she'd never die, and now, faced with the fact there wasn't anything else anyone could do, I couldn't break down in front of her. I had to be strong. Of course, this didn't last, and within a few minutes I was crying, unable to control my emotions, pain, and anger at what I'd just been told. So, I went to her bedside, sat on a chair, and buried my head in her arms, And the first thing she whispered in my ear? After all the bad news, being told you've only got a few months left, your cards are up? Tears, crying, anger? Nope, she stroked my hair, and said:

To be so present for someone that you forget yourself and be present to the feelings of the one you love. I trust you to look after me, because you trust me to look after you. After all the months of telling Jules not to worry, and putting on a brave face to make her feel safe. And all she had on her mind was making sure I wasn't worrying myself.

Well, I'm crying again. But it doesn't hurt like it has done, it's warm and relieving. And I know I'll be asleep soon, having amazingly powerful dreams once more.

Something which I remembered last night whilst at the seminar which I haven't shared here. We had to promise to do all the assignments, even though we don't actually know what we're going to be doing until the night itself. And that reminded me of the conversation with Janet about the promise I'd made to Jules back on August 20th 2003.

On the night before the second operation, after we'd gone and had dinner with Jules, everyone left us for a moment together. We chatted about stuff, how scared she was, and what was about to happen, for a second time. And I said to her, "Don't worry, you'll never die, promise". So, 10 months and 14 days ago I broke my promise, and without realising it, carried this feeling of guilt along with me. Now, I know how silly that is, after all, we can't control the future, it's a mystery, we live in the present and the gift that the present is. But I didn't realise that this, along with a number of other things which I've completed, was causing all this pain.

So, what's happened as a result of this? Well, all of you surely can see the weight that has lifted from my shoulders. I'm talking to people, sharing what a wonderful life I had, and have. And the best part? Closing my eyes and dreaming about all the things I've done. Smiling. Realising I had a fantastically fulfilling 8 years of my life with the most wonderful person anyone could know.

I'll add a second story in a minute once I've stopped crying. And don't worry, it's happy tears, if you know what I mean

Oh, and by the way, I'm now nearly 16.5 stone, which is cool! New jeans and shirt bought last week, a size down on the MASSIVE bloke size I was wearing And that's got nothing to do with Landmark, it has, however, got a lot to do with the persistant nagging of one good friend at work, Alison. Not that it's nagging now, it feels more like routine

Woke up this morning late, and dragged myself into work. I think the long days and buzzing conversations are now taking their toll and my body is becoming present to reality. I'm tired!

Last night was hard work, the seminar didn't really seem to be going anywhere. But then, I rememeber feeling this way about the other 2 courses at first, so I guess it's the norm.

I did, however, meet up with a load of people from my forum. Catching up on what's been happening. People have quit their jobs, gotten back with their seperated partners, been offered the job of their dreams. As one friend put it, "It's like all the cards in my life have suddenly started to line up, and things are now going my way."

Now, I'm still not convinced that it's all due to the education experience, in other words these things would've happened with or without Landmark. However, the positive vibe that the process sets you up into makes it feel like things are happening because of you. And I think that's more to do with being present to what's actually happening and reacting to it with a new found confidence. At least that's how I'm feeling about it.

I'm making sure this weekend I watch a couple of films. First off is Monty Python's Meaning Of Life, reference to which was made on a number of occasions during the Landmark Advance Course the other weekend. A very funny film, and one I've not seen in a long time.

The second film is a recommendation from Janet. Serendipity. And I must admit I'm looking forward to that one, if only because it's got Kate Beckinsale in it, a woman who gave me a very bruised face when Jules and I went to see "Shooting Fish" at the pics - I realise now that passing comment about the looks of another woman in front of your loved one isn't a sensible thing to do

Well, tonight is the first in the series of the Landmark Forum In Action seminars. It's a series of 10 evening seminars looking at various bits of the Landmark Forum, in an environment that provides further coaching and support. And before you ask, no, the walls aren't padded, and there's no special suits to wear

Tonight is all about Breakthroughs in listening and being present. And over the 10 seminars it looks at various things in life, including creating new possibilities in life, making choices, taking responsibility, coping with breakdowns, and how to listen to others.

There's invitations open for guests, so if anyone's interested in coming along to see what it's all about, give me a shout. It's 7 'til 10pm, and attendance is free. I'll probably be going down by train straight from work. I've found the journey gives me time to reflect on things. Plus I'm none too keen on driving all that way down there during rush hour

As to what I expect to gain from it, I don't know. I'm curious about these things, and want to find out more. As to whether I find them of interest or not, I'll be posting up here what I think

Recounting a story to a good friend yesterday at work had me chuckling. And telling the story once more to Janet last night whilst round for dinner. The actual entry on Jules Weblog doesn't tell the real story, as you'll see if you follow the link.

Jules moved over to the Hospice whilst I was away with work, on another one of my jaunts over to Paris by Eurostar. And when I got back I was passed on a message that she needed socks. She'd been saying ever since she'd got there, "Alan, socks!". So, confused and puzzled, I grabbed all the socks I'd taken home and washed, and took them in with me that night.

When I got there the staff mentioned that Jules was very keen for me to stay, having discovered the Hospice had bed extensions which would turn her normal sized hospital bed into a double bed. And I'd been looking forward to spending the night, and not have to tear myself away and go home to an empty bed. So, imagine then, when I walked in the room, presented Jules with the bag of socks. She looked at me, and in her usual way, slapped me, and said, "Tuh, F*&^ sake, Alan, need SOCKS, stay, tonight, NOW!"

I'm not going into any further details, but suffice to say, there were a number of blushing faces that night And the staff knew what to do when Jules asked them to tell me to bring socks again

So why the category "After The Rain Has Fallen", and the last entry on Jules weblog, Jules Weblog - After The Rain Has Fallen? Well, listening to lots and lots of music last year, trying to find comfort, piecing together what was happening and making sense of it all. Probably not too unsurprisingly a Sting song sprung to mind, and maybe not all the lyrics made sense, but the chorus I felt did, in some way:

Full lyrics can be found here, and probably lots of other places on the 'net.

Ahhhh, silence at last After what feels like weeks of hustle and bustle, I've got the place to myself again.

Nige and Ian have disappeared off home in the Merc, leaving my fridge busting with lots and lots of delicious food. Suppose I'd better get to the gym tomorrow and start working it all off again

Today's been a delightful day of serendipity. I've been wondering what Carole and Paul, friends from when I first got to Stevenage, have been up to. And whilst popping into Halfords I bumped into them coming out. Catching up, realising their little daughter isn't little anymore and starts playschool soon. And the second new member of the family is getting bigger too. Time just fly's by.

Now I know it's nothing, things just happen, and that's that. But I'm feeling sooooooooo over the moon with life at the moment, it's like I can think something, and it might actually happen because of it. Or maybe I'm just being more positive about myself and life around me, and noticing things that have always been happening, I've just been so caught up in it all that I've missed it all completely.

Well, yesterday was Sy's birthday, and a day of partying had been slowly hatched over the last few weeks. Footy in the early afternoon, a quick dash home, a bite to eat, and then more drinking

So, footy first. And Stevenage beat Daggers 1-0. Disappointing as we'd bet it'd be Daggers winning at half time, and Stevenage winning at full time. It was also a chance for Nige and Ian to see a lower league team play, since they're more used to Hull City and the bigger game

Quick dash home, and straight back out for 7pm and drinks at the Marquis. I'd managed to talk a few people out for the night, many friends I've not seen for ages. So the partying began

An Elvis impersonator at the Marquis had us make a choice and move on down to the Proverbial. And there I met up with some of Jules friends and ended up chatting away 'til well after closing. It was great catching up with so many people I've not seen in ages, finding out what's been happening, and where people are these days. More nights out are in the planning, I've got all your numbers now

A quick taxi home (including being stopped by the Police, and being told, "Keep your speed down mate!"), pizza ordered, and the late night partying and drinking commenced. The neighbours are away for Easter, so noise wasn't a problem

Just waking up proper now, having awoke at 8:30am this morning in a bit of a daze. My bruv, Nige, has just finished making a monster fry-up, so I'd better get off and eat

I have to say I've not enjoyed myself so much in ages. And to have so many people I've not seen for such a long time around made it even sweeter.

Just got back from a fantastic day out in France celebrating the eve of Sy's birthday. The Calais trip has been running for a number of years, and the twist of having us dropped off in Calais town rather than grabbing booze and cigs was a master stroke. Combined with Sy and Geoff's ability to sniff out a good eatery, and it's guranteed to be a great day out. And the start of what I know is going to be a fantastic Easter Bank Holiday.

Lots of excellent french food, fantastic company, and as always, a good selection of delightful french wines. And on the way back, a good coffee and brandy, courtesy of the Older Cellars

Another one is being organised for later in the year, so for those of you who missed out this time round, make sure you're available to make the next one. It'll be great, as always

I know that there's a few more people reading this now, after the weekend. I took that bold step, and shared with complete strangers. You see, I'm not one for sharing, as was apparent from the weekend. I need to get to know you first, over a long period of time. I'm quite happy to sit and wait, let you go first, and be last.

This weblog is, and has been, a platform for sharing what I've done in my life. And, more importantly, my life with an amazing and extraordinary person, Jules, who taught me the true sense of being present with another human being, a realisation I had at this evening whilst on the phone to Jules mum, Janet.

"So, Al, how do I contribute to this extraordinary thing?" - Yes, well, we have a problem with the commenting. "What happened" I hear you cry Well, something is spamming the entire deletetheweb.com site and it's absorbing 30% of the available server power. So, the quick fix is to switch off commenting whilst my lifelong friend, Jonathan, the site Landlord, updates everything with a corrected comment thingy.

The immediate solution is to capture those comments in either an email to me so I can put them up at a later date, or remember it and wait for a couple of weeks before you can post them.

Other than that, enjoy reading all about me, email me, and join in on that game they called Life!

Physical concepts are free creations of the human mind, and are not, how ever it may seem, uniquely determined by the external world. In our endeavor to understand reality we are somewhat like a man trying to understand the mechanism of a closed watch. He sees the face and the moving hands, even hears its ticking, but he has no way of opening the case. If he is ingenious he may form some picture of a mechanism which could be responsible for all the things he observes, but he may never be quite sure his picture is the only one which could explain his observations. He will never be able to compare his picture with the real mechanism and he cannot even imagine the possibility of the meaning of such a comparison.

Albert Einstein, 1938

So, if you understand that, I will buy you all the beer in the world.

Jonathan, thank you for the introduction to the books of Richard P. Feynman. I will definately be re-reading them.

I didn't really get this bit. Being present with human beings. Until tonight.

I've a mobile phone, and I realised, thanks to Gareth this evening, that it's become me. I treat it as if it's a part of me, ignoring everything around me in order to be with the phone. And the funny thing? Coincidence, I know, but the name by which I wanted people to know me at the weekend was "Al". Not funny in that context. But imagine it typed in a font face that makes it, from a distance, look like "AI" - Artificial Intelligence. Then you will see the funny side of that realisation I made tonight. I am a meaning machine, something I've realised for 3 weeks now. But tonight, in the pub with Gareth, I got a clarity of it beyond anything I've had 'til now.

I better get to bed, after all a machine needs it's rest

I wouldn't have believed it if you had told me, and I know you wouldn't. But I'm no longer Alan Bell, I'm Alan Bell. I know exactly who I am, what it means, and how to be. And that's what the 4 days have done. Brought an unparalleled clarity to the being called "Alan Bell".

I better get off this and start work, since I've a process review all day, have had only 4 hours sleep, and suspect I'll drift into a deep sleep at some point in the proceedings. Except, I know, I won't. After all, I'm powerful and inspiring. I'm in control of my future, and what it means to be "Alan Bell".

Welcome to the new me

Somethings happened again. This morning I got up and went down to London. And serendipity played it's part as I bumped into Becky on the way to the course. I really wanted to shout out to everyone I knew how amazing the world feels, and looks. Spring has sprung, and the excitment of that was pushing me along to Euston station at a speed I've never felt before.

The day itself has been up and down. I've had bad feelings, and good. I've fallen asleep and ignored people, and I've not listened. But then I've never listened, never have and never will.

Clarity of life, what it is, what it means, who I seem to be becoming. And, finally, what all these feelings for 5 amazing people in my group are, and the 83 other people in the room. I'm in love with everyone. I'm in love with you, dear reader, for who you are to me, and who you are for you.

I'm really not getting this. I feel like crap, I'm getting weird feelings about people.

How do I know I love someone? What does it mean when someone looks at you in a particular way. I did think I knew all this before, but now, it's all confusing.

We've been put into groups. Serendipity has played it's part and put me with someone I've known since the Landmark Forum. Someone, okay, Becky, since that's her name. And I thought I knew what that meant to me, somehow. But I don't now. I've 5 people I don't know in my current sense of knowing, and yet they've shown that they know me, trust me. So, rather than having feelings for one, Becky, I now have feelings for 5. Mike, Tessa, Tom, Yana, and Becky. What I'm struggling with is that I fancy the pants off the women, and think the guys are the best blokes in the world. But I've only known them for 2 days.

Perhaps "fancy the pants" and "best blokes" aren't real things and are something we've given meaning to as a culture.

You can read, dear reader, that my head is hurting over this. I'm feeling physically sick and confused. I want to throw up, I have a headache, and my neck is as stiff as a board.

I'm off to bed now. Doubt I'll be getting any more sleep. Last night was crap too, tonight is worse.

Well, it's 6:30am and I've not been able to sleep very much. A sign of how disrupted a sleep I've had could be taken from the fact Spitfire is sitting asleep on the floor.

I'm off on the Advanced Course, as it's called, later today. And the fear and excitement of the prospect of it has been immense.

It's also 10 months since Jules died. And normally I'd be sitting here and typing this, tears rolling down my cheeks. Except I'm not. I'm smiling, laughing, giggling about all the amazing things we did and had. Okay, I lie, I'm now crying. Except, I'm crying because I'm crying. Not in sorrow, bereavement, as I understood it 2 weeks ago. I'm crying at the beauty of what I'm thinking. I'm crying because I'm so happy that Jules was in my life, and is complete and in my thoughts. Wow.

Watch this space as the next 4 days unfold, dear reader. I'm told I will be a different person come Sunday, someone you no longer recognise. And that, I believe, is what's causing me the emotions I'm feeling now.

So, having spent the last week and a bit coming to terms with what happened on the Landmark Forum, tomorrow I start the Advanced Course

Already been in touch with someone else from the forum, and I think I'm as nervous as they are about it. Well, maybe nervous is a bit harsh, I suppose trepidation is more appropriate. It'll be an exciting 4 days, and I'm told it picks up from where the forum left off. It's also another big day tomorrow.

Had our inaugral Project Management Control Board (PMCB) today, the forum in which we discuss the various IT tools the company uses for Project Management, including my responsibility, Primavera.

Not the most exciting of meetings, but I had a presentation to do. And it was great. Haven't enjoyed myself that much in quite a while. Confidence overflowing, maybe a little TOO eager and cheery for some. But what's important is that little voice and fear of not looking good wasn't there.

Can't wait 'til the next one, I wonder if I'll be asked to present? Hmm, actually, I should insist

Hey, it's Monday, and it's time for work. Can't believe how quick the day has gone. Soon be the weekend and the Advance Course

After a weekend getting so much out of the way, it's time to get on top of all the work things I need to clear before the weekend. And it's going to be a long one, so I'm told.

Well, better crack on

Spring has most definately sprung today

Up and about at 8am, I know, on a Sunday, and tackled the washing so far. Got the rest of the house to sort, then a walk down to the cemetery. You can, of course, guarantee that it'll rain on the way back. I don't think there is any coincidence on the short blizzard I experienced walking back the other weekend. Someone, perhaps, is reminding me they have that sort of power now

Watched The Day After Tomorrow last night. And not too sure the facts were completely true. But an amazing film for effects. Makes me want to get back up to Scotland and walk amongst the snow drifts. Not actually done this myself, but the stories the Scouts bring back of their Mountain Leader training weekends fills me with the thoughts of adventure

Saturday morning, and I'm up and cooking breakfast. I know, it's 7:45am, or there abouts. But I'm too buzzin' to be couped up in bed. There's lots to do and so much time in which to do it

Off to work for the morning, catching up on all the stuff I've missed this week gone, and will miss next week when I go on the Advanced course Thursday and Friday. So, better not hang around here, chatting. The bacon's burning, I can smell it, so better go off and eat

Well, went out for a few drinks, and ended up feeling like a night in. Friends from work didn't want to stay out too long, and I think, at last, the lack of sleep has caught up on me. So, home to watch the rest of Comic Relief, and cook a monster chilli, with, of course, the chilli paste, courtesy of Rachel, the chilli monster of Coventry

Day itself flew past. Can't really remember what I got done, other than getting down the gym. Got a lovely surprise off Alison - some Terrorvision CD's. Gotta sit and listen to them now and learn the words ready for the concert

Also, got a text off one of the girls on the course. And she's buzzing too. Great things have been happening, and everyone's noticed a change for the good in her outlook and view on life. Feels great sharing all this positivity with everyone. I can't contain myself

Right, time for bed. Another day beckons, and it ain't gonna get here unless I hit the sack.

Back at work today, and I'm sure people are still wondering what's been happening. In early, in part because Nige got off early back to Hull. He and Kev got stuck in traffic, a big pile-up on the A1 going North.

Our Union Baron, The Don, brought a cake in, so that was a chance to catch up and eat up. And the best part? Getting to the gym tonight and realising for the first time in 18 months I've fallen below 17 stone. I weighed 16st 13lbs. Yes, I know, not exactly miles below. But an achievement for me, having been nearly 19 stone at Christmas. Just need to stick to it, and stay off the kebabs.....mmmmmmmm, kebabs.....

Just got out the bath, having fallen asleep and gone all crinkly. Then fell asleep on the bed. Think I need to get an early night, so after this I'll sort out tea and get off. Tomorrow's another day, as they say!

Well, that's the plan for a day off. In reality it's been go-go-go since first thing.

Off to the scrappy to get some bits and bobs for the car. Nothing major, just the odd bolt and switch I've not been bothered with. Nige and Kev wanted a wander round, after all, it's a good day out for us blokes! Met up with Gareth for lunch and a chat about business and life. Then back home for an afternoon of DVD's. Jules sis, Laura, took the day off to catch up with her coursework. The exams are not far away, and she's working harder than ever to get it all finished and in before the deadline. Internet access was the important factor, and a printer that worked, so she spent the afternoon and early evening round here sorting it all out.

The lads? Well, we sat and watched a DVD, Castaway, which I bought on Monday. Then pizza, more drinks, and more TV. The end to another great day

Sorry, just realised having blogged the last few days I've failed to explain what it was I did at the weekend. Well, it's the Landmark Forum. A life skills course that gives you a clear understanding of what life's all about. For those who've had therapy, like me, it's that sort of thing, but a thousand times more powerful. I've got to a point which would've taken months and months. And for those that have nothing wrong with their life, you can get a better, deeper understanding of what it is all about.

So you don't have to search around for all the good and the bad about Landmark, I've posted up all the links I found before I went. After all, I was as sceptical as the next person on Friday, and pretty much most of Saturday.

The Observer UK News I thought I'd be brainwashed. But how wrong could I be...
Landmark Forum Just a Bowl of Cherries?
Landmark Education, Mark DeLoura, March 2001
Rick A. Ross Institute - Landmark Education
Landmark Education - Official Site

I rolled out of bed this morning, that's the best way to describe it. Not falling out, struggling to get up. So much to do, and so much time in which to do it

Already been shopping, loading the fridge with lots of goodies. Going to do a bit of cooking later. Also been up to see Jules with some flowers. Surprised how well the Valentines ones have lasted. Had a good chat and a chuckle, something I've not managed. In fact there's a different feel to the place, it doesn't feel bad being there.

Nige's on his way down, and I'm meeting Gareth for a few beers. Got a film to watch, Castaway, which I'm told I'll see in a completely different light now So, better jump to it

Well, something's happened today and I've no idea what. The trip into London this morning was weird, in a good way. Everyone wanted to talk to me, as if there was something about me that glowed. The walk from Kings Cross to Euston was delicious, and I don't know why. And meeting up this morning with those people I've grown close to over the last 2 days, well, they're a completely different bunch!

I feel on top of the world. I have a life full of possibilities. I can talk about Jules now without feeling full of pain. I can share her life and what it means to me without wanting to crack up and cry. I can cry with a warm feeling, grieve. I'm in love with life and what it can be.

More conversations with people on the phone. I can talk about things clearly. And come to terms with what it means to live life to the full. I know the meaning of life and how it works!

I'm off to bed to try and get some sleep. I'm so buzzing I don't know if I'll sleep or not. But I've the day off tomorrow, so I can have a long ly-in if need be.

So, another day gone. And do I feel different? Have I "got it"?

Something's changed, can't quite put my finger on what, but I feel a warm buzz about something. Had a fantastic conversation with Janet, my mum, and Gareth. Talking through things, part of the assignment for the night. Also met a bloke from Stevenage, which was a bit of a coincidence. What was more so was that he lived a few doors down from Jules, and reckons his younger sister may well have known her! Small world indeed.

Off to bed, I've an early start once more in the morning. I've been awake 15 hours and don't feel tired. I will do tomorrow tho, for sure.

So, that's the first day over with, and what a day! Still not sure what I'm doing this for, as it's all talking about your past and where you've come from. "Face your fear", which grates as a real Americanism, not something that fits in the English way.

I did think I'd "got it" this morning, having a weird feeling of complete euphoria, but then it went after I'd made a couple of calls to complete the assignment for that break. And since then I've been getting more and more cynical. Watching people around the room far too happy about whatever it is they're smiling at. Life's full of ups and downs, you can't expect to be able to solve the world and it's problems within a few minutes.

Today, 2 years ago, we got bad news:

I can't believe 2 years have gone by already. Where's the time gone? It still only feels like yesterday that we were sat in the consultants room at Lister. Taking a day off work to go around and see everyone, tell them what had happened. And then preparing for the trip to hospital.

I've a life skills course tomorrow and I'm still not sure I should go. I've enough on my plate without the pressure of going to this thing and bringing up everything. But, I've promised to Gareth and Gerry I'd do it, so I should at least give it a try.

Fought through the treacherous conditions last night and managed to get to the pub Well, there's never weather bad enough to prevent you getting to a nice, warm, local hostelry, tucked away in the country, that, I have to say, is a find and a half

A good pint of IPA, Srumpy Jack on draft (if you're into that sort of thing ) gorgeous food, and a good ol' chin-wag. Then back in the car for the drive back, dropping off Gareth on the way. It was -3 according to the thermometer in the car, and was sprayed countless times by an endless stream of gritting lorries. Must remember to find time over the weekend to jet wash the car before another part of it rusts up and falls off

In other news it looks like the works carpark is closed, the ramp's up to the top level being an icerink. Glad I got in so early and got me space under cover. There's more snow forecast, ohhhhh noooooo

Just leaving work and it's tipping down Probably won't come to much, but it looks like it's laying.

Typical, of course, having arranged to pop out into the outback of Cambridgeshire for a night out seeing a friend from work. Although initial reports suggest the terrible weather conditions are restricted to the Big Smoke of Stevenage

Anyway's, better get off and in the car before I'm snowed in at work

Well, it's been forecast, and we're waiting for it. Admittedly there was a fair dusting this morning, probably more than we've had recently. But the forecasts weren't as doom and gloom as the last week when we had hardly any at all.

It's cold tho, the car thermometer registering -1 on the way in. But making it in early means I've been missing most of the traffic. Also means I can get off to the gym earlier, and get home earlier too

Will sort out uploading some of the pics of the local snow, just for a laugh. Nige and Ian have been getting regular updates every morning, and sending me pics back of proper snow drifts. Had to chuckle reading the BBC News about the snow, link here. Lots of people outside the UK pointing out what snowfall really means

Yes, Jonathan, I will sort out getting this loaded and working. Just need some dosh to get a PC sorted, cough, Mum

An example of what you can play with, emailed by our landlord:

XPlanes Viggen