Recently in After The Rain Has Fallen Category

Somethings happened again. This morning I got up and went down to London. And serendipity played it's part as I bumped into Becky on the way to the course. I really wanted to shout out to everyone I knew how amazing the world feels, and looks. Spring has sprung, and the excitment of that was pushing me along to Euston station at a speed I've never felt before.

The day itself has been up and down. I've had bad feelings, and good. I've fallen asleep and ignored people, and I've not listened. But then I've never listened, never have and never will.

Clarity of life, what it is, what it means, who I seem to be becoming. And, finally, what all these feelings for 5 amazing people in my group are, and the 83 other people in the room. I'm in love with everyone. I'm in love with you, dear reader, for who you are to me, and who you are for you.

I'm really not getting this. I feel like crap, I'm getting weird feelings about people.

How do I know I love someone? What does it mean when someone looks at you in a particular way. I did think I knew all this before, but now, it's all confusing.

We've been put into groups. Serendipity has played it's part and put me with someone I've known since the Landmark Forum. Someone, okay, Becky, since that's her name. And I thought I knew what that meant to me, somehow. But I don't now. I've 5 people I don't know in my current sense of knowing, and yet they've shown that they know me, trust me. So, rather than having feelings for one, Becky, I now have feelings for 5. Mike, Tessa, Tom, Yana, and Becky. What I'm struggling with is that I fancy the pants off the women, and think the guys are the best blokes in the world. But I've only known them for 2 days.

Perhaps "fancy the pants" and "best blokes" aren't real things and are something we've given meaning to as a culture.

You can read, dear reader, that my head is hurting over this. I'm feeling physically sick and confused. I want to throw up, I have a headache, and my neck is as stiff as a board.

I'm off to bed now. Doubt I'll be getting any more sleep. Last night was crap too, tonight is worse.

Well, it's 6:30am and I've not been able to sleep very much. A sign of how disrupted a sleep I've had could be taken from the fact Spitfire is sitting asleep on the floor.

I'm off on the Advanced Course, as it's called, later today. And the fear and excitement of the prospect of it has been immense.

It's also 10 months since Jules died. And normally I'd be sitting here and typing this, tears rolling down my cheeks. Except I'm not. I'm smiling, laughing, giggling about all the amazing things we did and had. Okay, I lie, I'm now crying. Except, I'm crying because I'm crying. Not in sorrow, bereavement, as I understood it 2 weeks ago. I'm crying at the beauty of what I'm thinking. I'm crying because I'm so happy that Jules was in my life, and is complete and in my thoughts. Wow.

Watch this space as the next 4 days unfold, dear reader. I'm told I will be a different person come Sunday, someone you no longer recognise. And that, I believe, is what's causing me the emotions I'm feeling now.

So, having spent the last week and a bit coming to terms with what happened on the Landmark Forum, tomorrow I start the Advanced Course

Already been in touch with someone else from the forum, and I think I'm as nervous as they are about it. Well, maybe nervous is a bit harsh, I suppose trepidation is more appropriate. It'll be an exciting 4 days, and I'm told it picks up from where the forum left off. It's also another big day tomorrow.

Had our inaugral Project Management Control Board (PMCB) today, the forum in which we discuss the various IT tools the company uses for Project Management, including my responsibility, Primavera.

Not the most exciting of meetings, but I had a presentation to do. And it was great. Haven't enjoyed myself that much in quite a while. Confidence overflowing, maybe a little TOO eager and cheery for some. But what's important is that little voice and fear of not looking good wasn't there.

Can't wait 'til the next one, I wonder if I'll be asked to present? Hmm, actually, I should insist

Hey, it's Monday, and it's time for work. Can't believe how quick the day has gone. Soon be the weekend and the Advance Course

After a weekend getting so much out of the way, it's time to get on top of all the work things I need to clear before the weekend. And it's going to be a long one, so I'm told.

Well, better crack on

Spring has most definately sprung today

Up and about at 8am, I know, on a Sunday, and tackled the washing so far. Got the rest of the house to sort, then a walk down to the cemetery. You can, of course, guarantee that it'll rain on the way back. I don't think there is any coincidence on the short blizzard I experienced walking back the other weekend. Someone, perhaps, is reminding me they have that sort of power now

Watched The Day After Tomorrow last night. And not too sure the facts were completely true. But an amazing film for effects. Makes me want to get back up to Scotland and walk amongst the snow drifts. Not actually done this myself, but the stories the Scouts bring back of their Mountain Leader training weekends fills me with the thoughts of adventure

Saturday morning, and I'm up and cooking breakfast. I know, it's 7:45am, or there abouts. But I'm too buzzin' to be couped up in bed. There's lots to do and so much time in which to do it

Off to work for the morning, catching up on all the stuff I've missed this week gone, and will miss next week when I go on the Advanced course Thursday and Friday. So, better not hang around here, chatting. The bacon's burning, I can smell it, so better go off and eat

Well, went out for a few drinks, and ended up feeling like a night in. Friends from work didn't want to stay out too long, and I think, at last, the lack of sleep has caught up on me. So, home to watch the rest of Comic Relief, and cook a monster chilli, with, of course, the chilli paste, courtesy of Rachel, the chilli monster of Coventry

Day itself flew past. Can't really remember what I got done, other than getting down the gym. Got a lovely surprise off Alison - some Terrorvision CD's. Gotta sit and listen to them now and learn the words ready for the concert

Also, got a text off one of the girls on the course. And she's buzzing too. Great things have been happening, and everyone's noticed a change for the good in her outlook and view on life. Feels great sharing all this positivity with everyone. I can't contain myself

Right, time for bed. Another day beckons, and it ain't gonna get here unless I hit the sack.

Back at work today, and I'm sure people are still wondering what's been happening. In early, in part because Nige got off early back to Hull. He and Kev got stuck in traffic, a big pile-up on the A1 going North.

Our Union Baron, The Don, brought a cake in, so that was a chance to catch up and eat up. And the best part? Getting to the gym tonight and realising for the first time in 18 months I've fallen below 17 stone. I weighed 16st 13lbs. Yes, I know, not exactly miles below. But an achievement for me, having been nearly 19 stone at Christmas. Just need to stick to it, and stay off the kebabs.....mmmmmmmm, kebabs.....

Just got out the bath, having fallen asleep and gone all crinkly. Then fell asleep on the bed. Think I need to get an early night, so after this I'll sort out tea and get off. Tomorrow's another day, as they say!