Luke's World of Leopard Seals

Closed until further notice

After finishing in a respectable 2nd place in the war of the worlds Luke Donnellan's World of Leopard Seals will be closed until further notice.
This is not the end.
(Fade out over singing.)
"A time has come the walrus said to talk of many things, of why the sea is boiling hot and..."

The Great Koala Conspiracy

For years "The Dads" have been telling us that koalas are so slow because they get drugged up on eucalyptus and crack. But peel away that cuddly soft double layer of fur and underneath you will find some simple electronics pilfered from redundant poker machines. At Australian petting zoos guys in green John Mcenroe shorts with "that's not a knife" grins point you in the direction of the one most recently unplugged from the mains while the others sit motionless as Grandad in the snow. This Australian toursit con trick must be stopped. All who stand in our way will be crushed and turned into soup. And any hard bits left over will have to make do as spoons.

The Art of War

Australia it's like all your halloweens have come at once! Apart from that small incident involving a cassowary and a glasgow kiss.
Leopard Seals truly are the masters of war. In unarmed combat their jaws can crush the skull of an aussie rules footballer (no mean feat) and they are capable of administering a ruthless spinning bird kick. They have also, however, developed an a assorted array of weaponary specifically designed to aid them in shock tactics. These include the killer whale catapult, the flipper duster and the lobster molotov cocktail. Lobsters explode when you put them in freshwater, so simply dunk one in a bottle of evian and toss in the general direction of your foe. They can cause 3 1/2 shit loads of damage (about 4 Hiroshimas in SI units.) They are also remarkably easy to smuggle past bouncers.

He's oh so wordy

It appears my nemesis, billionaire pig farmerFabio de Splash has set up his own website. At least his words in print served a purpose as backup rolling papers. It is to be avoided like the lassa ridden Ugandan chimp whores. Only click on the link above if you are prepared to carpet bomb his site with Leopard Seal love musings.

War Update

Brisbane is an insect. It looks like an exoskeleton. It's walls will fall! We'll build giant horses out of meat if we have to!

Do you need your chakras aligned? No it's just a gun in my pocket

So the Leopard Seals sweep north and swiftly dispatched a platoon of hippie beach combers. I hate hippies and their farfetched ideas that not washing brings you somehow closer to nature. Even basic single celled protoza have been known to take two bottles into the shower. If I was on a desert island with a hippie and a Leopard Seal and a gun with two bullets. I would shoot at the Leopard Seal to demonstrate their uncanny ability to catch bullets in their teeth. Then as the hippie pondered the conundrum this posed to their aura, I'd pistol whip him to death with the butt of the gun. Then I'd cuddle the Leopard Seal because I love Leopard Seals. Then I'd eat some ham because you are only allowed to take one thing to a desert island. Then I'd regret wasting the bullet because their are tigers there too.

I love Bridges

I'm taking some time off from my war (don't worry we're winning) to admire Sydney Harbour Bridge. It is now my second favourite manmade landmark, pushing the Brooklyn Bridge down to number 3. In fact all my top 10 are bridges, they are like porn for me. I love the way they stand their like some enormous, sometimes wobbly, symbol of man's ability to cross rivers, or something... I love bridges. All bridges are being spared by the Leopard Seals because I have asked them nicely.
History: The first Sydney Harbour Bridge was built a long time ago. Here is a picture of it being attacked by a Pteranodon... in a plane.

WAR!

I'm back. I know it has been a long time but i've been in hiding deep under the antarctic ice preparing for war. Yes the time has come for my slippery pliant seabound friends to seize the lands of the earth starting in neighbouring Australia. I will be using my website as a comprehensive journal so future historians can look back and marvel at these times of wonder.
Quick geography lesson: Australia is quite near Antarctica, and it looks a bit like it, a bit like an apostrophe, if you squint and forget about the bit of sea near Tasmania. In fact all the continents look a bit like apostrophes, if you forget about Europe... and Asia... i love continental drift... and maps.
But back to the War. Australia is surrounded by a defensive wall of sharks. First developed to protect against the evils of communism. Now sharks are pretty hard. Some of them are older than dinosaurs which were about 65 million years old. They are made out of cartilidge and immune to ebola and whooping cough. But they have a weak spot. If they stop moving they die. So all my Leopard Seal friends had to do was stop them moving. The easiest way to do this was by killing them all!
We landed on the mainland at Sydney, the best strategy in war is to strike where it looks a bit like a throat. Don't do what Hannibal did and bring elephants, they are a bugger to carry and their fingers are too fat for short range weaponary.
For those interested in T shirts I will be selling them in black with "More War!" stitched in sequins on the front.

Survival of the fittest

A good friend of mine recently went on a weekend outdoor adventure in the Wye Valley and asked me for some good advice on how to handle any encounters with local flora and fauna. I therefore felt it would be a good idea to produce a survival guide for all my fellow adventurers and allow you to reap the benefits of my wisdom. Click on the link below.
Download file

That Hat

I also felt it was time to answer the many fans who have queried just where I laid my flippers on that hat. I was fortunate enough to find it lying by the side of the road, on the head of a child who was having difficulty standing up because his shins were bleeding. I wore it to the King of the Leopard Seals surprise birthday party. In the photo I am performing a traditional Leopard Seal greeting. See also the Leoaprd Seal photo at top of page.

Anger Management

I have recently been overwhelmed with support for my anti-canada stance and would like to thank all those who have joined me in not culling any seals this week. I have attached a picture of a Canadian should anyone feel they need something at which to vent their anger.

NB. They don't all have antlers

This Seal Walks into a Club

Following the tragic culling of 150,000 seals last weekend in Canada, Luke Donnellan's World of Leopard Seals felt compelled to comment on the tragedy. Thankfully Leopard Seal fans these were not Leopard Seals, nevertheless Luke Donnellan's World of Leopard Seals does not condone the murder of any living creature (except for armadillos and dogs) especially our pinniped cousins. As if to add insult to injury this young man appears to be attempting to persuade an uninterested seal to join him in a game of baseball.

I would encourage all fans to avoid buying anything that looks like it might have been made from a seal for at least a fortnight.

STOP PRESS!

After this weekend's events in Canada Luke Donnellan's World of Leopard Seals will be making an important statement within the next 24 hours (at the moment I am too emotionally unstable.)

Do Two Calves make a Foal

I have had another enquiry to Luke Donnellan's World of Leopard Seals in which one avid fan asked whether Leopard Seals were half leopard half seal. Again I relish the chance to enlighten my fellow enthusiasts. Leopard Seals are not half leopard half seal but are called Leopard Seals because they look a bit like a leopard with flippers. Today modern science can mix together many animals but noone has tried leopards and seals yet (it can only be a matter of time). Below is a picture of a Liger which is half lion half tiger. They are very fat. This one is arguing with the umpire at a recent tennis match.

Leopard Seal Tracking

I'm back! And here is the story of my great adventure tracking Leopard Seals in the Antarctic. My travelling companion was Tom Hill, author of "Where Did All the Polar Bears Go?" (he knows more than a hundred words for snow). First here is a picture of the view from our base. I think it looks a bit like Mt Rushmore only with Leopard Seal heads carved by Leopard Seals. (Click for bigger pictures)

Tom thinks he spots a Leopard Seal in the distance. I am excited.

We find clear evidence of a half finished Leopard Seal meal.

Tom gets a little too close! Leopard Seal off picture.

Me. What a great day we had. I can't wait for next year.