March 02, 2004
How do you feel?
For all that I'm given to introspection (and I am, believe me), I've never been very good at analysing my feelings. It doesn't take much more than a simple "how do you feel?" to practically paralyze me as I furiously try to work out how I do feel. I mean, how do you know how you feel? It's easy with the extremes. When I'm either very happy or very unhappy I know it. But I'm not often given to extremes, though I do have my moments. For the most part though I find it difficult to say exactly. Simply answering "ok", or "I feel fine" just doesn't seem to do the question justice. But it's true for a lot of the time, when I feel neither up nor down, I just feel... ok.
It belies my aspirations really. I don't want everything to be mostly fine for most of the time, leading a largely unremarkable life interspersed with too rare peaks and troughs. I want everything to be wonderful all the time. Of course I share a mindset that says that's not possible. I don't want to, and perhaps one day I shan't, but for the moment I can't seem to escape the limitations of my own beliefs. Similar thoughts have occurred to me in the past, that this isn't really the life I want to be leading, but for reasons unfathomable to me I seem bound to persist with it. Or perhaps the reasons aren't so mysterious: It's nothing more than pure cowardice. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of actually putting myself in a position where I might actually challenge myself. Fear of this, fear of that - what I'm afraid of doesn't really matter so much as the fact that I let it keep me here.
I can program computers for the rest of my days. I know this. And there's presently a very real possibility that's how I might eek out my life. For the most part I enjoy it well enough, and I'm good at it - and if that forms a basis for measure it's not a bad existence. But as I've vented before, it's just seems inconsequential to me. Fifteen or so years ago, that I might feel this way didn't occur to me. I'd been reading Arthur Millers "Death of a Salesman" at school, and I just didn't understand why the titular character should have been so desperate to leave his mark on the world. It seemed laughably unimportant to me then. Less so now. In my case I don't particularly care about leaving my mark. I just want to know that I've done something positive with my life, because whatever my beliefs may be I know that the only person who will sit in judgement of my life is me. And on this matter I'm a harsh judge. Too harsh. I know various people around here will be tempted to leap in a defend me (or a least tell me what an idiot I am :) Please understand that I know I've done some positive things with my life - befriending most of you for a start - but I still can't help but hold myself to ideals I can never hope to achieve. It's in my nature to believe in perfection however unobtainable it may in reality be. I know that now matter what I might do, it will always be possible to do better. It's not a healthy viewpoint, I know, but I can't not believe it - it's who I am.
So no matter what I may do with my life, I'll probably never be satisfied with it. Not a conclusion I expected to come to when I started writing this.
How do I feel?
I don't know.
Thought iMark at March 2, 2004 11:59 PM | TrackBackI won't leap to your defence. Only your opinion is valid for your life. Just know that you aren't the only person for whom this question has reared its head. I loved your comment about 'eeking out an existence' programming computers. I think you meant 'eke out an existence' - yep, I know, I'm being infuriatingly picky about spelling (it's a disease, I tell you) but I mentioned it not merely to be a smart-arse (that too) but to point it out as a truly intriguing Freudian mistake, giving that you also mention fear of .... just a thought. At least you realise the most important thing ... your excellent taste in acquaintances ;)
Posted by: Foots at March 3, 2004 12:28 AM"Fear of actually putting myself in a position where I might actually challenge myself."
I can think of a few situations where that certainly didn't apply. Rather the opposite in fact. Throwing yourself on the "web programmer" job market with no past experience for one. Throwing yourself down a 'mountain' strapped to two sticks for another :-)
Posted by: Kevin at March 3, 2004 05:04 AM"To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children,
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends,
to appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others,
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch,
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded!"
- NOT Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's long and kinda sappy etc, but I've somewhat taken the philosophy to heart. Well OK, not the whole thing, just the last two lines (as written above).
Yeah, I know, I've thrown that one out there before. But to be perfectly honest, by my measure, you've succeeded to excess :-)
Posted by: Kevin at March 3, 2004 05:12 AMFunnily enough I came across this quote this morning. It seemed appropriate:
"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure -- try to please everybody"
-- Harbert Bayard Swope
I just wanted to back up Foots statement that you're far from the only person to feel this way, Mark. I certainly do. I think it may part of the human condition. To me, your life looks as if you've acheived quite a lot, but only you can really be the judge of these things.
Speaking for myself, when I read "Death of a Salesman" (also in school), I was rather contemptuous of Willy. I was certainly not going to end up with such an inconsequential life. Fifteen or so years later, and leading a pretty inconsequential life, I feel a lot more empathy for him.
Looking at people who really have acheived a great deal - like my 25-year-old-CEO boss - I suspect the key is to be positive. So you just need to keep being you, Mark, and not compare yourself with impossible perfection.
Posted by: simon at March 3, 2004 08:01 PMInteresting that you would look at a 25 year old CEO and think he's achieved more than you, monsieur K. I honestly doubt that's possible, particularly if he's a CEO at 25.
I would rather assume that to be in such a position at such a tender age - rather like a 34 year old CEO I knew - this chap must have rather dedicated his life (to date) and free time to becoming so.
You've got a few years on him, have travelled to numerous places in the world, have held various positions of varying responsibility, etc etc.
Sure, he may be CEO of a company, but in terms of life-fulfilling achievements, how much is that really? Is being CEO more of an achievement than being one of the folks who actually creates the product? Now is when you tell me that it is your life goal to be CEO and what do I really mean by that :-)
My point? Oh heavens, I don't have a point :-) OK, it's probably something along the lines of "what do you consider an achievement worthy of merit, or at least, of envy?"
Posted by: Kevin at March 4, 2004 06:30 PMThe PR department probably made him lie about his age.
Posted by: Michelle at March 4, 2004 09:55 PM