Beware, introspection at work

I feared, when I started this blog, that I'd eventually reach the point when I found myself staring, if you'll pardon the metaphor, at a blank sheet of paper, unable to think of anything to write. I fear it still, though it hasn't happened and I doubt it ever shall. Nevertheless, I still seem to be preparing for it mentally, the day I sit down to write "I don't know what to write." I suspect that will be the day I decide enough is enough and that it's time to free Blog. But there's always something to write about isn't there? The whole gamut of human experience. Or my experience at least.

I've been questioning a lot this week. Myself and my own motivations mostly, mysterious though they may seem to even me (I like alliteration. Sue me). As will be obvious by now, it's in my nature to continue pursuing a course of action long after I've reaped all the rewards I'm likely to. I seem bound to do so time and time again. And in no circumstance - none - has it ever made me happy. Pursuing happiness seems like such a simple goal. Yet it's not something I strive for. If I'd been asked sit down and list everything that I hope to accomplish in my lifetime, I doubt that I would have thought to include my own happiness. Isn't that odd? It's seems so basic, and yet I struggle with it.

When talked to my manager about resigning, one of the points I tried to make clear was that I wasn't happy with what I'd been assigned and that whilst I could do the work, I wouldn't be doing it to the best of my abilities. I told him I felt like I'd been coasting. And I don't want to coast. I want to be inventive, to experiment and try out cool and interesting ideas, not to trudge through one pointless, routine task after another. Why? Because I enjoy the cool stuff. It makes me happy. And when I enjoy what I'm doing I'll work harder at it. I'll make it better. Just for the shear joy of it.

I need to be more selfish. It's not admission I'm keen to make, and yet I can't deny the truth behind it. I already consider myself selfish, but I believe there are different forms of selfishness and that I've probably been practising the wrong kind. I keep trying to make other people happy in the belief that doing so will make me happy too. And there's truth in that. But I also believe the reverse is also possible - that I can be happy first and other people can be happy as a consequence.

Sorry to be getting all Ayn Rand-y on you. I started out hoping to say that if you ever spy the day when I seem to be writing this blog out of routine, rather than for the joy of it, let me know. I'll have probably realised it already, but sometimes I need other people to dispell my momentum. That day's a long while off yet, so don't worry about it just now (especially you, Blog).

But bear it in mind for the future, please?