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December 20, 2005
Fear and the first marks.
It happens every time. You’d think I’d know about it by now, and be able to ignore the sickening feeling of futility after the first marks have hit the panel, or at least sidestep it and trip lightly over the grim quagmire that lurks at the onset of every painting. But I can’t.
This is one of the reasons I fear starting a new painting. After all the drawings and choices and preparation the first brushstrokes never work. I suppose they’re not meant to, not in the way the last brushstrokes do - fine tuning the whole image. The first marks are there to block out areas and bulk out form.
When I look at the painting in the first hours it’s hard to believe anything good can come of it. A lot of this is due to The Early Years. Those years when nothing good did come of it. My memory has this fear deeply implanted in it.
The odds are stacked against these first few marks. The huge expanse of empty panel increases the impact and significance of any marks on it. They don’t stand a chance really. As opposed to the last few marks, which arrive amidst a plethora of marks, and can easily hide their inadequacies amongst the mêlée.
Posted by john at December 20, 2005 01:38 AM